I Saw "The Batman"

(Published Apr 1, 2022)

I watched a 3 hour long film about an emo orphan who dresses as a furry to physically assault the mentally ill every night while using his dead, rich daddy's money to create fancy tools and tune up his car to be a Fast & Furious worthy street racer. Yes, "The Batman." First off, what a fucking LONG movie. It was the "Lord of the Rings" PTSD flashing before me all over again. Only this time I don't have the bladder of an 8 year old child. I took Zephyr for a long hike before so that she was fully drained of all liquids and solids so she wouldn't need to go, plus was tired. This strategy worked as we went from the park to the theater and she just passed out on her seat. With Zephyr sleeping beside me, I was able to fully focus on the film. Spoilers ahead. I see why they made it so long. There really wasn't any filler and every scene was significant. Which is annoying for potty break needs! Robert Patterson did good as Batman when in the suit, but when being Bruce Wayne... It threw me off. I think because of not just the very emo look, but we always see Bruce as being this adult man with a strong jaw and deep voice. In the comics, cartoons, and other live action films. Patterson's chin, higher pitched voice, and how he held himself didn't feel like Bruce Wayne. When he had the Bat suit on you could see he definitely felt "tough" so held himself differently. Whether this was intentionally done to help hide that they are the same person, not sure, but it is obvious. Patterson spoke in more of a whisper a lot of times I guess to hide how his voice just wasn't the typical deep Batman voice. Which was fine as Batman never has been portrayed as being too vocal or loud (Minus Adam West's Batman). Zoe Kravits did great as Catwoman. By biggest issue is that she forced the whole Catwoman being Bisexual. Forcing LGBT, people of color, etc. just to be "woke" is annoying when it's so obviously done for the sake of "wokeness." So I hated that. (I'm gay so don't @ me). We already have two very strong bisexual women in the Batman comics, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. And they don't feel forced or anything. Plus, they weren't made bisexual for the sake of wokeness. They became bisexual because the writer felt that coming from them and knew their relationship was right. Forced "wokeness" is the most annoying thing and ruins so many stories that would have been good otherwise. Thankfully, this didn't damage the plot of the movie. Not this time... The clues, riddles, and detective work was well done. Nice they even had a mistake thrown in there to remind us that Batman isn't perfect. I will say that the bomb not getting diffused was kinda weak as Batman in everything has been shown to have tools to stop bombs long enough he can diffuse them, such as freezing them. Is this more cartoony? Yes, but so was Batman still being able to fight and save people after getting his arm dislocated at the end... Not sure I like who was The Joker... Maybe he wasn't supposed to be THEE Joker, but, still.... Weird voice and laugh. Riddler not being some middle aged, skinny, bald guy was a surprise. Funniest part was him having 500 followers and the police acting like that's a big deal. I have almost that many on my FB page for The Vegan Dragon. Combine my followers on all my accounts I have over 1,000. These are basic, tiny numbers. If he had a few thousand like 60k, then... Then that's significant. The Batmobile's purrs were beautiful. Catwoman driving off with only one cat at the end wasn't realistic. We all know she would be driving with 20 cats. Loved the darkness and graphic violence. Proper of a Batman movie. Andy Serkis really didn't feel like Alfred to me.... He's a great actor, he just didn't feel like... Alfred. A lot more like the comics and like that it's not going down "The Dark Knight" with Batman being hated and feared by everyone, but rather only feared by the criminals and liked by the normal citizens. Felt very much like "Batman: The Animated Series" at times which is the best Batman there is. Only two gross kissing scenes I had to shield Zephyr's eyes from. Definitely a good film, 9/10, a point deducted for being so long and forcing unnecessary wokeness. Zephyr was so relieved when the credits finally started. She was so happy to get out of there so she can pass out on her bed at home and snore loudly. Here is Zephyr the moment the credits showed up and she knew we were about to leave! XD